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Watching Pops Grow Old- “Dad and Early Dementia” Is this really happening?

My Tears Felt Different

As I returned my Mom’s phone call. I wasn’t prepared for what she was about to tell me. “Your Dad is in the ER. His blood sugars are in the 500’s and he isn’t doing very well. He was getting all disoriented and he wasn’t making any sense. So I called 911. I told him that I couldn’t help him and I that I had to call the paramedics to come take him to the hospital.”

Anyone who knows me, knows that I cry often and it’s nearly impossible for me to hold back sometimes, but these tears felt different. They were so deep. They filled the pit of my stomach. I felt so helpless as I heard my Mother speak, and I had the worst possible visual I’ve ever had about my Dad. I saw him not breathing and peaceful like an angel. I flashed back and thought of the good times, and I suddenly felt bad for not going to see him more. I felt all of his pain and vulnerability and it had lodged into my heart like a huge dagger. My gut hurt and I held back the tears as I had to be strong for my Mom. She sounded so tired, worried, and a bit relieved that he was now safe at the hospital getting the well needed help she had been trying to get him to accept. She sounded numb and as a daughter, trust me, that is a state of being that I could feel over the phone.

Dad hasn’t been feeling well for quite sometime now, and it has just been to progressively get worse. He doesn’t see it, and my Mom can’t explain how bad it is, because all he does is get defiant and doesn’t believe her. Every time we come over to visit, we see how fast this process is moving forward. He thinks that his memory loss and his forgetfulness is just because he isn’t paying attention or maybe he just didn’t hear us. He has been forgetting all of his scheduled medications, and forgets even the most simple tasks, facts, family events, upcoming appointments, and so many other situations to even mention. He stopped taking care of himself. Deep inside I feel like he started giving up after he knew that he shouldn’t drink anymore, and when my Mom outed him for having to have called the paramedics for the 3rd time in the past two months. His drinking had taken an all time low. He was drinking and driving to the point where he couldn’t even walk in the back door. He fell down and couldn’t get back up. He was killing himself. I know when my daughters called me out on my drinking that it was one of those most humiliating experiences I’ve ever felt. I know that I had broken their hearts and knowing that they had lost all respect for me, was gut wrenching. I decided it was time for a change. I wish that my Dad had figured it out earlier, but no one has ever been able to talk to him about any of his faults. All he would do is shut down, be angry, ignore you, or say horrible things in response to any confrontation. It just wasn’t worth any of our time. Now that he is 75, it still is very uncomfortable, but something will be done really soon. These dementia type of behaviors HAVE to be addressed realllllly sooon!!

My Mom feels like she is losing her mind because all she does is take care of him and has to keep an eye on everything he does. Make sure he hasn’t left the burner on again with burning oil and smoking up the house. Making sure that he takes all of his medications even when he said that he had already taken them. She has essentially turned into a full time caregiver over night. This has all happened so fast. It seems that little by little his memory was getting worse and we thought maybe it was because his hearing is so bad. We know now that this isn’t the case. There are all the signs of early dementia. Actually I don’t even feel like I can say early anymore. I feel as if he is right in the midst of a violent storm, that the waves are crashing in his head, and he can’t keep his head above water. We are feeling the same. How are we are going to fix the life raft. He is sinking fast, and emotionally it is draining all of us. Mom is with him 24/7 and her patience has just about run out. She is at her wits end. I find myself having to be here more, and I find myself wanting to be here more. I know they need me, and it’s my honor to be here for them. In my culture, we don’t just throw our elder’s into nursing homes and give up because we feel like we can’t take care of them. We exhaust all of our options, and then just keep on plugging along to take care of them to the best of our abilities. When that becomes too much, we still keep on giving it our all, because we know that having random nursing home staff take care of our loved ones is unbearable to think about.

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.

So true..
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My name is Dawnie Deah Davila, and I am the author of this Blog Site.

I will start out by saying that in no way shape or form am I any sort of medical doctor, therapist, nutritional guru, or a mental health counselor. I am just here to share my life and this is my life, and all I can do is walk you through it, and hope that even a small seed will be planted in your heart to give you hope or to relate to me just enough to know that we are human and that we all have more in common than one might think.

I have been wanting to publish my own blog for a number of years, but I didn’t feel ready to open up my heart and allow myself to be vulnerable. As I became more prayerful about this next phase in sharing and finding healing through this, I finally felt it was time to get to typing. Since I have recently become faithful beginning my day by meditating, yoga 🧘🏽‍♂️, centering, writing in my gratitude journal, and of course praying, this is allowing me to work on self-care and self-love. Through the stages of focusing on my breathing, my mind clears more and more with each stretch, and before I know it, I am in full prayer mode. This gives me more room to be more compassionate, empathetic, and not worry about what anyone else is thinking about me. In other words, it isn’t all about me when it comes to how others may perceive me. This time of year in particular, whereas not in previous years, I have an easier time focusing on what clerks, shoppers, people walking with their heads down, etc., what it is that they may be going through that makes them act grumpy, mean, ungrateful, unapproachable or cynical. Like, what happened before they came to work before they even layed eyes on me. Did they lose a loved one? Are they worried about not having enough money for the holidays? Are they on the verge of losing their home? Are they having health issues. Everyone has their reasons for acting the way they do. I am only responsible for my own behavior, and it is not my problem if they change or not. They are responsible for the way they come across, and I have no reason to take it personally. Situations such as dealing with a horribly rude person had consumed so much of my precious energy over the past years. I’ve lost sleep when that damn “brain” recorder won’t turn off. I replay the scene and words over and over in my head. It just sucks the life out me. Turning off the repeat button is something I deal with on the daily.

When I give more of myself, and begin my day or situation with self-love, it makes being compassionate and being friendly more easy, because I focus on the kind of person I want to be, and I don’t worry about why people “treat me” a certain way. Does that make sense?

Take time to take a look at this 3 minute read and how self-compassion can help with depression and anxiety. I have to take care of myself first before I can give more to others. I know this is one of those obnoxious, easier-said-than-done clichés, but it is totally true and relevant to my life.

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-ways-to-practice-self-compassion-when-you-have-depression/

I hope that by reading some of my words, that I will be able to plant the seed of curiosity and self-care, and that you’ll be excited to research and educate yourself on self-compassion, and the importance of take care of oneself. It’s not something that happens overnight, and I am still in my baby-steps towards making more changes in myself. But, I am finally enjoying the ride. It doesn’t feel like a chore. I feel liberated. I feel happy. I find that my days have more joy rather than feeling defeated or completely run down at the end of the day. I know that I have something to fall back on. I have meditation. I have prayer. I have self-love. I know what it means to practice self-love. I know that I’m not being selfish if I tell someone I don’t want to do something, because I know that being around them will strip away my joy. I don’t have to put myself in those situations. The more I do this, the easier it gets. It is sad that there are people who I once enjoyed hanging out with, that I just can’t sacrifice an energy-sucking day when I have other things I’d rather be doing. I have other options.

Some of my posts will be long and some will be short. Either way, you can read as much as you want. This is therapy for me, and I hope that you will find a way to sit down and take time for self-reflection as well.

There will be subjects and dialogue that will be uncomfortable, possibly offensive, but I will try to make my titles pretty clear, and I will type in the topic in italics. It will be up to you whether you are brave enough to carry on. Just kidding! What topics do you think you’ll write about?

This is a published personal journal. Obviously I won’t be typing everything that’s on my mind, but it will be pretty close.

I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder in April of 2012, after my suicide attempt and survival. So I will be sharing what it may look through the lens of my controlled, medicated, emotional lenses. I view the success of this page in terms of my audience feeling free to reach out to me, if they are touched by having been through similar experiences, or by gaining a better understanding of my life experiences.

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why I started, and began articulating my thoughts and ideas.

Also, since I am such a perfectionist, this will help me let my guard down to just type, and not worry about editing every single sentence. So just know that there will be some grammatical errors in terms of context, but I don’t care, even though I REALLY CARE. This is growing process for me.

So you say you’re a Christian? You don’t say?

So if I say I’m a Christian and I walk around like a complete jerk, don’t help my family and friends, steal, rob, cheat, hurt, and in general am a horrible human being, then I have zero right to claim that, to own that, to live in such a way that I KNOW God does not teach. I made a commitment to Him. He’s my Sinsai, my Primary Care Physician, my yoga buddy, my breath, my therapist, my coffee partner, my eyes, my ears, my mouth and he is my Life Coach… my everything! Yes, everything. If I choose to live this life then I will not be a hypocrite. I love God too much to slander His name, to insult Him, to hurt Him, to use Him, or to disappoint Him. I have to walk the walk. Some days are way harder than others. Some days the enemy comes at me like a smack in the head and he tries to remind me how worthless I am, how fat I am, how ugly that birthmark is, how stupid my hair looks, that I’m not lovable, and that I’m not worthy of a great life. The list goes on forever some days. Every minute there is another fast ball coming straight towards me and I forgot my mit. But, I have God and He’s got me. Kinda like Sunny and Cher… “I got you Babe..” I can’t imagine my life without Him in it.

This is the word of the Lord. Thanks Be to God.

What started this Blog entry is the simple fact that hypocrites drive me nuts 🤪. Acting completely different depending on who they’re around. I always say, “If I’m just myself, then I can’t get wrapped up in a lie, forget who I am, or forget what I stand for.” There are some people who lie so much about who they portray themselves to be, than who they really are all alone, in another life, behind closed doors, etc. God knows your heart and the enemies knows every single weakness. His army is trying to bust down your castle everyday, but God’s angels can defeat the dark one. That’s where faith comes in.

Pray harder for and keep the fake people far from my kind heart.
♥ 🙏🏽 Amen ❤️

To many, Australia Day symbolises the beginning of the mourning still felt by Indigenous people.January 26, 2020

https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2019-01-26/australia-day-will-always-be-a-day-of-survival/10745268?pfmredir=sm

“To many, Australia Day symbolises the beginning of the mourning still felt by Indigenous people.
That mourning includes intergenerational trauma along with the loss of sovereign land rights, the loss of family and the loss of the right to practice culture and language.
But it will always be a day of survival too. Despite colonisation, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people have survived. Their culture survives.
While some marches and rallies focus on other important fights — Indigenous rights, a voice to Parliament, a call for a treaty, constitutional recognition and changing the date — survival has become a constant theme for festivals and ceremonies held on January 26 around the country.
They are modern day gatherings that bring people together to appreciate the oldest continuing culture on the planet through corrobborees, live music, art, stalls, workshops, elders’ and jarjum (kids) tents, food and much more.
Here are some of the survival events happening around the country this year.”
“Events like these need to continue to keep the culture strong, it’s where we get to showcase who we are as first nation people,” Ms Sailor said.
“The theme for Survival Day is important, it’s how we get our messages out to the broader community and to our community to listen to your tribal voice.” (Alexis Moran – ABC Indigenous)
READ more about it! Awesome!

What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger

How often have you been stuck in a situation where you were being disrespected and humiliated, but there wasn’t anything you thought you could’ve or should’ve done about?
I can’t count the number of times that’s happened to me. I sacrificed my sensitive soul just so everyone else could feel comfortable and so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the aftermath of silence and rejection. I can think of only a couple of times as a teenager when I truly stood up for myself when my Dad was being mean and degrading. But then, IMMEDIATELY regretting it when my Dad gave me that “zero expression” look, then squinted his angry eyes, and turned around, grabbed his keys, went out and got drunk, stumbled in the door 6 hours LATER, and then literally didn’t speak to me for 3 months. Yessssss, 3 months, under the same roof with the tenseometer on 1000°F. The PAIN was excruciating and everyday I hated myself just a little bit more. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut? Why couldn’t his hurtful words vanish before depositing deep into that empty department in my mind that would eventually manifest into PTSD, anxiety, depression, emotional eating, addiction, mental illness, and the ultimate manifestation of suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt.
Am I suggesting that it was one or two instances that could’ve opened up Pandora’s Box of Psychological Dysfunction? Possibly. I definitely do believe that over many years of holding in my anger, trauma, rage and not having the environmental support to EVER have my feelings validated, that yeah, that really screwed me up. (note: it took everything I had to NOT throw in an F*Bomb there).
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, “really screwed me up….”. And, yes, it DID, but guess what? I am finally on Chapter 10,000 in “the Book of Dawnie” entitled” What Doesn’t Kill You, Makes You Stronger” point in my life. Wellllll, it didn’t kill me, and I AM STRONGER! ❤️ ❤️

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/positive-thinking/art-20043950

~Positive thinking: Stop negative self-talk to reduce stress~

I love this! ~the End~

Blogist. Blogtor(Doctor) Bloglistener(I listen) Bliter(writer). Blogonator. Bloginating Bliter?

I’m not sure how I want to be addressed. I like “Blogtor”, 😂! Anyway, I was sitting in my truck at the Subway drive-thru waiting for my B.M.T. Chopped Salad thinking about how much I love this platform to share my thoughts, poems, journaling, inspiration, love, compassion, and a positive way to spend my time. I can be authentic and candid, and it is giving me the opportunity to write. I love to write. I write in my dreams. I’m serious. LOL 😂!

The thing with this freestyle form of writing is that it is helping me with my need to constantly be editing and to let go of it. Knowing when to say, “It’s ok. Your grammar is great and if it’s not then the world isn’t going to stop in its tracks if it’s not perfect.” Easier said than done. But, I must say, I am doing remarkably well. Of course, I’m still checking my work, I’m just not going to obsess over it. It is what it is. You’re in for an unedited-raw glimpse into my soul. A mind ride if you will.

Who’s ready for a “Mind Ride”? 😉

Re-edit and Start Fresh

I have literally spent about 6 hours changing, editing, and re-editing ONE paragraph! This is where I believe my BPD(Bi-Polar Disorder) comes into play. I’ve spoke with people who are “normal” 😉 about my certain behaviors and examples like how editing one word can direct me a dictionary and then another dictionary and then 10 websites about using that word in context, and then let’s not forget about the hundreds of thesaurus resources. Phew! The struggle’s real. But wait! Then I have to take all of that knowledge back to the initial sentence I was trying to “fix”. And in all honesty, seven times put of 10, it may start over again. Before I know it, it’s 4am. What I love though is that there isn’t a deadline, there isn’t any particular subject, but there is plenty of honesty, integrity, and love! I am so blessed to be a part of your day, and I hope to spark a fire in you to love your life, and to live your best life. A couple of nights ago I was responding to my sister friend via Messenger who said she was touched by one of my posts or a couple. She shared many touching and plaintive thoughts, situations, and life experiences that have led me back to some unpleasant memories, but the GOOD NEWS is that I CAN revisit those traumatic experiences today and not feel sorry for myself or let the people who hurt me suck the happy out of me. They will no longer steal my joy, control my day, my sleep, or energy, because I changed that. I was able to make that change as a form a self-preservation. I knew my dark memories were getting the best of me, and definitely affecting my physical and mental health. I was sad, worried, angry, hurt, and anxious. Scurrying up the rungs of life’s ladder, I knew the worst feeling, was the “feeling” of confusion. Why would some of the closest people to me treat me so poorly when I’ve done nothing but treat them with respect and unconditional love? Why do I put up with it? Why do I feel like a horrible person if I stand up for myself? Nature or Nature? Why would they question my motive to be sincere? Why would they crush my soul with hurtful words? Some of which I can’t get out of my head, no matter how hard I try. I knew I had to have an intense spiritual cleansing and give it ALLLLLLLL to God.

The visual of a spiritual cleanse is important to the cleanse all in itself. Does that make sense? If it doesn’t then I guess what I mean is during my meditations and prayer, I literally think of myself in natural warm springs, under a waterfall in a paradisaical cove, or sitting on the tailgate of my truck, on a scenic mountain backroad, breathing in crisp mountain air. Sound corny? Maybe, but it’s the God’s honest truth! It’s a beautiful place to see and to be! When life gets crazy and hectic it may seem nearly impossible to find quiet time. If you aren’t too tired, try to get up an hour earlier than everyone else if mornings are crazy around your house. It is essential for self-care, self-love, and self-preservation. Remember that stress, negativity, anger, and the loss of YOU can lead to so many health issues. I NEED spiritual cleansing, often, meditation, silence, decompression, de-cluttering my view, or whatever it is that I need to do for extra spiritual connectivity, I will make it happen with God’s guidance, because I deserve it, and so do you! We’re worth it! 😎

Gary – “Peace at Last” November 7, 2014 was your last day on Earth 🌎

I want to share with you the last conversation I had with my “brother-friend” the day before he ended his life. I miss him all the time, but I know he is finally at peace after all the mental trauma he withstood. He just got tired and hopeless. I tried to commit suicide March 2012, but I was one of the lucky ones. I am here today to have an open dialogue about suicide. All of have been affected by this is one way or another. When I received this news, my heart dropped, skipped a beat, my hands for numb, neck tightened, and I began to sob.. “No, no, no! We were supposed to meet tomorrow. We had a plan to talk about his meds and what he could or should do to be happy again, to being Gary back to the” I love my life” Gary. Gary… How could you do this? What about Tay, your daughters, your parents, and all of US?! ” GOD DAMN YOU GARY!”

• Gary’s story
• Gary told me when I asked him about getting his adjusted.
• Here is the quoted text from our last Messenger Conversation
• Me: Hola, how ya feeling today?
• G: I’m waiting for a new day. I think part of my issue is I am worn out physically and mentally.
• Me:. We can support each other. Mental exhaustion screws everything up. I will pray for you. We will be okay Brother.
• G: thanks Dawnie, I was in the shower earlier and I broke down, happens more than I like to admit. I asked God wtf His plan was, because I have really been struggling. Thanks for your prayers.
• Me: We all break down sometimes. Do you think it’s time to maybe have your meds adjusted up or down?
• G: “Maybe, You know Dawnie I see this getting worse. The Dr. Said it wouldn’t get better, and he put me on sedatives that ‘control the voices’ wtf? Seriously?
• Me; Hopefully not Seroquel!
• G: yep, you got it. About as heavy as it gets
• Me: that crap made me crazier, and all I wanted to do was sleep, and my dreams were insane
• G: Yeah, but it beats crying all day, if you don’t want to feel anything. (over medicating. Numbing our ability to process feelings or the ability to just “be”.)
• Me: I am so sorry you’re going through this. Lamictal saved my life, literally.
• G: I take that also
• Me: There has to be a better combo. They need to figure it out.
• G: When I tell my Dr. About some of these things, he asks me is it any worse than usual? That’s when reality hits and I realize that even with the meds, this is the ride I was put on.
• Me: We will talk more on Wednesday. I will continue to pray for you. Hang in there and remember you can always count on me, K?
• G: Thanks.
• Me: K. Lights out for me, when most people are waking up.
• G: Nite nite. Sleep tight. Thanks for all the chatting.
And that was it. He ended his life shortly after that chat.
And I got that call about 12 hours later.
I was going to go to work that night 10pm-6am, get a little rest in the morning, and then meet him for lunch. That moment never came.
The day of my suicide attempt, I felt was a pretty normal day off. I had fun with friends… Laughing and Day Drinking, but, internally I was a mess. I felt like I couldn’t drink enough. I ended up taking a taxi home from the bar, and I was so drunk by the time I got home. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My dark thoughts kept playing over and over in my head.
I had had a horrible argument with someone I loved very much, and being confronted about my drinking sent me over the edge. I knew I was hurting my loved ones with my alcoholism, but I couldn’t imagine stopping. How woukd I cope? How could I have any fun without it? And my list of reasons to not quit drinking kept got longer. At that time, I realized that I didn’t want to stop and it was easier for me to be dead instead of dealing with shame, guilt, disappointment, and anguish that I always felt before, during, and after drinking. The alcohol had won and there wasn’t any thought that could take it all away.
I knew that my daughters had their Dad and my folks to take care of them, and that now they wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed by their alcoholic mother or they would have a happier life. Now I wouldn’t have to deal with the moments when I could not drink. It was an ugly vicious cycle that stemmed from self medicating and feeling hopeless that there could never be any medication that could possibly make me feel better or that could ever take away the ugly self talk and the horrible feelings of wanting to drive into oncoming highway traffic. It just kept getting worse.
I took a handful of the tranquilizers that were prescribed to me to help with my anxiety. They literally turned me into a zombie. They were on the list of failed medications, and I was on an even different medicine at the time of my attempt.
I always lied on that question when I was asked if I ever thought about hurting myself, because I was embarrassed and the guilt associated with that very thought was enough where it was easier to avoid.
But like I said.. I wasn’t thinking clearly. My mental illness wasn’t diagnosed correctly, I was on the wrong medication, my illness was out of the scope of my Primary care physician. She is amazing though, I don’t blame her, she tried everything she could, and then afterwards she actually apologized for thinking she failed me and that she should’ve been referred me to a mental health professional long before my list of meds exceeded 9
Paxil
Zoloft
Trazadone(the drug I would ultimately use to attempt suicide)
Effexor
Zanax (of which I came totally addicted to). I checked myself into treatment November 2008.
Amitripyline
Seroquel
Prozac
Celexa
Lexapro
Cymbalta

MORE NOTES
During my first post suicide attempt mandatory psych evaluation, I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. In retrospect I still chuckle about when I was having this evaluation.
He kept asking questions and whenever I said, “Yes.. Uh huh… Yep. Yep.. Man his keyboard got to clacking record speed, and then the nurse would be pounding around on her keyboard. I thought wow what was the heck was he typing? Wait.. What did I just say, can I take it back? No, what I meant was… I wanted to scream out… “Listen here Perry Mason.. What’s with all the questions .. I didn’t do it!!
And then there were all of the questions about impulse control and risk taking behaviors. By then I was thoroughly confused..I thought some of the things I did were normal.. Turns out they weren’t and mostly frowned upon. My manic and depressive behaviors were far worse than I thought as I recounted everything that happened over the last several years. As far back as before I had children, who are now 24 and 22.
Through honest counseling, meds changed, reaching out to other support resources other than my family, and by just being as honest as I could about my thoughts feelings, and behaviors, and the ability to take advice through a medical lens, I was able to get the help I needed. But, mainly, I turned my life BACK OVER to Christ with all my heart and not just when I needed him to fix all my problems without Even listening to His “advice”. If you don’t know what that experience is like, hearing from God, basically, for me, it’s “listening” to your gut, and if you have to think about it for too long, as to whether you’re making a good choice, then He is telling me to move on and let Him deal with it.
Dawnie, don’t worry or have your anger get the best of you. I will have you wrapped in my arms all the way, and love you through the chaos. It will be okay. And with that, I feel the anxiety disappear.
My motto for the year is “Ask myself “Can I fix this problem right now? If the answer is no, then I’ll do my best to carry on and hand it over to God.”
I would like to say it’s as simple as that. But, this takes so much discipline and ultimate faith to always trust Him. I DO have faith and it’s a daily process for me to hand it over, but it’s completely doable. I just have to make it a priority all day, every day.

Happy New Year 2020

I can’t believe it’s 2020. When I was a kid I remember hearing about all of these technological advances that would take place. Drones that can see and record places where humans can’t go. Thinking there is no way there could be a robots that could build a car or a small robot that can vacuum your floor, cars that drive themselves, computers the size of your hand that have more memory and storage than most PCs. I print documents to my Wi-Fi printer. I can be in Seattle and push a button to print and when I get home, there’s that copy sitting in the tray. I press a button to send a text and it is received within seconds. I can share my thoughts with you via a website that I created. Yet, so many precious things, sounds, feelings, and privileges remain unchanged, such as, the purring of my sweet cat as I scratch his neck, the sound of the rain beating on my metal roof, the touch of my partner, a soft kiss, the crackling of the wood stove, jumping into clean sheets, putting on a pair of fuzzy socks, the comfort of a friend asking “How have you been?” or a random text saying, “Have a great day”, the very first sip of hot tea, the smell of stew cooking all day in the slow cooker, and the freedom to be me: a brown, gay, outspoken, proud, beautiful, funny, compassionate, educated, intelligent, and generous, WOMAN, MOM, DAUGHTER, PARTNER, AND FRIEND!! And, I have the freedom of speech and the freedom to serve any God I want. What a blessing! And, for now, for today, these things will be unchangeable. I am forever grateful to say this!

As I continue on this journey called life, I will be diligent about my pursuit of ultimate peace and love, for myself, and for everyone. If I were a Buddhist, I guess I would be hoping to achieve Nirvana (“a state of perfect happiness; an ideal or idyllic place.”) But, I’m not Buddhist, so I will keep doing what I know best and what works for me, and that’s prayer! The power of prayer is just that, powerful. So much power, in fact, it blows my mind, truly blows my mind just how powerful it is. I will be blogging something everyday. Please leave comments and thoughts. Peace and all my love, ~Dawnie ~

Sunday Fasting: #3:"A letter to God"

Dear God,

I know I pray everyday, all day, and then I pray some more. But, I don’t feel like I’ve been still enough to figure out what it is You want me to do, rather than what You can do for me. I don’t mean to be selfish, but I’ve really needed You more than ever recently.

I am Fasting for 24 hours to cleanse my body, my mind, and to make more room for You Father God! ❤️

I have been under a tremendous amount of stress, and I know YOU see me, and I know YOU are always gently nudging me forward with Your gentle hand. I am most grateful and I don’t know what I would do without you in my life.

Thank you for my beautiful family, friends, and for my animals. Bruno and Little Girl give me so much joy, and some days they are all I need. They speak to me in a way that comes from You Lord.

Keep watching over all of the broken hearted, oppressed, addicted, damaged, abused, and less fortunate. Some people don’t believe in You because they don’t understand how a God who supposedly as awesome as You, could let all of this choas, death, war, abuse, and horrible events happen.

The enemy has a huge army, and I know You’re doing all You can do. Your awesomeness blows me away, holds me, sustains me, and brightens me… All the time! It’s all about faith and knowing that You are walking right beside me. It’s not for me to understand how You manage but I will speak of Your grace, and be a witness to all of the miracles I’ve witnessed in my midst and in the lives of my fellow friends prayer warriors.

Just wanted to let You know how much I love You, and that I am looking forward to the next 17 hours. My mind and heart are an open door, and ready for any message You may have for me. I’ve heard Your voice before, and I know it’s time to center and focus on Your needs and not just my prayer requests. Thank You for all of Your blessings and for taking care of us.

Love Always, Your daughter, Dawnie D.

“Sometimes”… A poem

Sometimes my stomach feels hot… It centers me, and gets my attention just long enough for me to realize that I need to breathe deeper, and pray harder.
My heart breaks for all of the broken-hearted. I want to take away all of the drugs that are tearing families apart, and killing the people we love.
Sometimes random faces pop into my head. These faces are sad, hurt. and begging to be loved, held, heard. I pray for them.
Sometimes, I cry when I am overcome with joy. I see the faces of the people who I love, and their smiles fuel my soul. Their love fills me with only food I need.
Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and I pray for you! Yes, you!
Sometimes God shows me your lovely face when I’m at traffic light, and I pray for you as I wait for the light to change. I pray for that precious new grand baby, your new job, your road trips, your family, your losses, your joys, and your sorrows.
Dear Lord,
I know I can’t save the world, but I can spread more love around! I can choose to focus on You, and not let the worries of the world drag me down. I will be joyful,
I can be a witness to Your Greatness. I’ve witnessed Your miracles, and I’ve seen You break down barriers of hate, and turn them into fields of joy!
Lord, I am asking you to break down any walls that are keeping me from being the best person I can be.
Lord, I can’t thank You enough! For EVERYTHING! I’m sorry for all of things I’ve ever done to hurt anyone throughout my lifetime, and I ask You to hold my hand tighter during the times when the enemy tries to destroy my happiness. The harder I work for You, the harder he tries to tell me I can’t! I know the devil is a liar.
Lord, keep my friends and family safe. Protect the children, the homeless, the mentally ill, the addicts, the people who are starving, the babies in the hospitals who are fighting for their lives, and for all who are afflicted by pain and anguish!
~Amen~

A Poem: “Through His Eyes” by Dawnie D. Dávila (9/17)

I wrote this poem when my Mom had a heart attack 2 years ago as I was watching my Dad take care of her. And, at the same time, the love of my life was fighting for her life. It was quite possibly the worst month I’ve ever had. Knowing that I could lose them both. My Dad and I were taking care of our “corazóns”, trying to stay strong, and be there for our families, when him and I had always relied on each other in times like this. We prayed from afar and did the best we could.

“THROUGH HIS EYES”…

I will feed you from my spoon and gently blow on it as to not burn your mouth.
I will bathe you and choose the softest towel to dry you with.
I will help you to bed, and tuck you in with a soft kiss on your forehead.
I will hold your hand and pray for you as you sleep.
I will stay up all night to make sure you’re okay and not scared.
Whatever you need, my love, I will provide with patience.
This is what I signed up for, and I thank God for you every day, my beautiful wife! ❤️
“To have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part.”

Prayers for homelessness..

Father God, please watch over all of the homeless people. It is 27° tonight and I tried to not complain when I ran from my truck to the grocery store entrance as my hands became ice cold. I counted my blessings and thanked you for my warm car and home.

Help our communities rally together to support Warming Stations and any places the homeless can stay. It’s too cold to sleep outside. Protect the elderly and babies.

Lord, wrap them in your warm loving arms. Help me to stay humble and to help when I can.

I pray these things in the name of Jesus 🙏🏼❤️Amen

Psych Central

Homepage

Psych Central is one of my favorite little websites. I have learned a lot about different disorders. It is laid out very simply, and it’s extremely user friendly. All conditions are categorized and sub categorized and are written in predominately layman terms.

I am big on educating myself about different disorders and behaviors, because for me, it has helped me to be less judgmental, less time spent over generalizing, and stops me from being presumptuous about a people’s behaviors.

This particular link is learning more about Bi-Polar disorders, because that’s what I was so diagnosed in 2012 after my suicide attempt, and I manage quite well when I take my medicine as prescribed. I had to go one week without it before because of insurance nonsense, and it was horrible, pure hell.

“All types of bipolar disorder generally respond well to treatment, which usually includes medication management for many years and for some, psychotherapy. Like many mental disorders, professionals generally don’t talk about a person being “cured” of this condition, so much as learning to manage it well. Medication and psychotherapy help a person do that.”

The Benefits of Imagery https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-benefits-of-imagery/

“Imagery can be used to develop qualities in yourself you’d like to have — it’s like emotional body-building — and using a technique called “Evocative Imagery” you can cultivate courage, patience, tolerance, humor, concentration, self-confidence or any other quality you’d like to embody.
Imagery can also be used to stimulate our immune systems, to increase or decrease blood flow to areas of the body, and thus to influence healing. See the Academy for Guided Imagery Web site for more information.
Whether it’s for relaxation, problem-solving, healing, or self-development, learning to use your imagination skillfully can be one of the best investments you’ll ever make with your time.” (Psychcentral.com)

Continue reading “Psych Central”

Sunday Evening

Dad got home from the hospital today. He is very weak, and as per usual, he is disoriented, doesn’t know what medicines he has taken or what he needs to take, even though Mom has explained to him several times what he needs to do this evening. As I sit here and type and observe, I get so sad. My Dad who used to be so “with it”, is now weak and completely dependent on our help. And, he is still reaching for the wrong foods. Mom doesn’t say anything. I feel like a child when it comes to these situations. All of a sudden, my thoughts are to remain my own, and I feel as if I can’t say anything. I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t feel like being rejected and being told that I am being ridiculous. My goal for the week is to give him more information on how he can’t just be reaching for sweets just because he tested his blood sugar and “its fine”. He needs to make better choices. I mean, after all, he just got back from the hospital, and the ICU at that. He was only there for 2 nights, and it seemed like he was there for a week. The hours just drug by. I am exhausted, but I am staying awake to keep an eye on them. Mom gets so frustrated when Dad asks the same questions over and over again. I told her that she just needs to repeat herself and not get upset, and say,”I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT…DON’T YOU REMEMBER?”

Of course, he DOESN’T REMEMBER!! In my mind, I’m screaming. But, I have to put myself in her shoes. My mom has always had a strange way of expressing her pain, and her lack of empathy still blows me away. Is she really empathetic though? Or is she just working with what she has, how she was raised, her resistance to breaking the cycle of knowing it’s okay to express herself in a sensitive manner? That’s not for me to worry about. I spent nearly all of my life trying to figure out why they are the way they are. It’s taken too much of my energy. I have to focus on their aging and how they can look to me as a role model for lack of a better word.

I have to be brave, strong, sensitive, caring, and take charge when I can. I need to educate myself and read more about helping aging parents. Although Mom’s mental faculties are in tact, her physical health problems make it difficult for her to get through her day. And, I really need to understand that, take a step back, take a deep breath, and pray extra hard for strength and tenderness. I have back troubles, so sometimes I can’t do everything they need me to do. I have gotten better at telling them when I am not physically able to do something, and to not over do it.